In a shocking and tragic incident, Rebecca Cheptegei, a promising Ugandan distance runner who represented her country in the 2024 Paris Olympics, was set ablaze by her boyfriend in Trans Nzoia County, Kenya. This incident, which left Cheptegei with 75% burns, highlights the growing and painful reality of abusive relationships many African women endure.
While Cheptegei is now receiving medical care and the police are investigating the matter, her story underscores the urgency of addressing intimate partner violence (IPV) and educating women on how to spot the signs of abuse early. Across Africa, many women find themselves trapped in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, often with tragic consequences. However, there are warning signs women can learn to recognize to protect themselves before it’s too late.
1. Control: The Subtle but Dangerous Red Flag
One of the earliest signs of an abusive relationship is control. It may start subtly, with your partner dictating what you wear, who you see, or how you spend your time. Over time, this control may escalate into isolation, making you feel as if you cannot make decisions independently.
A controlling partner will often isolate you from family and friends, ensuring you rely solely on them for emotional support. This isolation tactic makes it difficult for victims to leave, as they no longer have a strong support network.
How to Save Yourself: The moment you notice your partner beginning to control aspects of your life, communicate your concerns. If the behavior persists, reach out to trusted family members or friends. Never allow your partner to strip away your independence.
2. Emotional Abuse: The Silent Erosion of Self-Worth
Emotional abuse often precedes physical violence. An emotionally abusive partner will insult you, criticize you harshly, and undermine your sense of self-worth. They might gaslight you, making you doubt your perceptions and reality.
This form of abuse, though invisible, can be even more damaging than physical violence because it breaks down your confidence and self-esteem, leaving you feeling trapped.
How to Save Yourself: Acknowledge that emotional abuse is real abuse. If your partner constantly belittles or insults you, they are manipulating you. Seek counseling or confide in someone you trust. Removing yourself from this environment as early as possible can prevent future escalation.
3. Physical Violence: The Most Alarming Sign
For many African women, physical violence marks the undeniable sign of an abusive relationship. However, it rarely begins with extreme actions like the tragic attack on Rebecca Cheptegei. Instead, it starts with pushing, slapping, or throwing objects in a fit of anger.
Sadly, many women forgive the first instance of physical violence, often hoping it won’t happen again. But this is usually only the beginning.
How to Save Yourself: Once a partner crosses the line into physical violence, it’s crucial to leave the relationship immediately. Physical violence is a clear indicator that your safety is at risk. Notify the authorities, seek legal advice, and find a safe place to stay.
4. Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Love or Danger?
It is common for women to mistake extreme jealousy for love or passion. But when a partner becomes possessive to the point of accusing you of infidelity or constantly needing to know your whereabouts, this is a sign of insecurity and control.
Extreme jealousy can quickly escalate into physical violence when the abuser feels their control is being threatened.
How to Save Yourself: Healthy relationships are built on trust, not jealousy. If your partner is consistently suspicious or accuses you without reason, have a candid conversation about boundaries. If the possessiveness doesn’t change, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
5. Gaslighting: Manipulation That Makes You Doubt Yourself
Gaslighting is a psychological abuse tactic where the abuser makes you doubt your own perceptions and memories. Over time, victims begin to question their reality, feeling confused and trapped in their relationships.
An abusive partner may deny saying hurtful things, make you feel overly sensitive, or claim you’re “crazy” for reacting a certain way.
How to Save Yourself: If you find yourself doubting your own reality because of a partner’s manipulation, document their behavior or confide in a trusted person. Awareness is the first step to freeing yourself from a gaslighting relationship.
6. The Apology Cycle: Promises to Change
After an abusive incident, many abusers will apologize profusely, often promising to change. They may shower you with gifts, love, and attention. This is known as the “honeymoon phase” in the cycle of abuse, where the abuser lures the victim back into a sense of security. However, the abuse typically returns once the honeymoon phase ends.
How to Save Yourself: It’s essential to understand that without professional help and serious intervention, the cycle will continue. Don’t allow temporary gestures of kindness to erase patterns of abusive behavior. Trust actions over words.
7. Threats and Coercion: Using Fear to Control
When abusers sense they’re losing control, they often resort to threats, ranging from harming you to harming themselves or even your loved ones. Coercion is a key tactic abusers use to keep their victims in line, playing on their fears.
How to Save Yourself: Never take threats lightly. Whether your partner threatens to harm you, themselves, or others, it’s crucial to involve law enforcement or seek protective measures immediately. Your safety and peace of mind should come first.
Breaking Free: Steps to Take
If you recognize any of these warning signs in your relationship, it’s time to take action:
- Talk to someone: A trusted friend, family member, or counselor can offer guidance and help you plan your next steps.
- Create a safety plan: If you are in immediate danger, plan a safe way to leave the relationship. This may involve staying with a friend, contacting a shelter, or working with authorities.
- Seek legal protection: Many countries across Africa have laws in place to protect women from IPV. Knowing your rights and seeking legal protection can be a vital step in staying safe.
The story of Rebecca Cheptegei serves as a somber reminder of the dangers many women face in abusive relationships. While the road to leaving an abusive partner can be difficult, it’s never impossible. By learning to identify the early signs of abuse, African women can take action before they find themselves trapped in a dangerous situation.
No relationship is worth sacrificing your safety or well-being. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, reach out for help today. Your life matters.
